Today was an emotionally shitty day. Nothing in particular happened to make it shitty. Some days grief comes like a tsunami. Today was one of those days. When they happen, I try my best not to resist or put up a fight. Loneliness, overwhelm, disappointment, despair, hopelessness, frustration, disillusionment, grief are all part of the human condition. I am a deeply feeling human, so when they come for me, they don’t tread lightly. 

All in all, even with the heaviness of my emotions today, I’d give myself an A++. I took a shower, made myself breakfast, drove in the icy conditions to not one but two grocery stores, helped a friend in need, remembered to take my vitamins, fed Zenny, reached out for support. As I sit her typing this at 4:44 pm which happens to be the moment the sun sets here in chilly Bozeman, Montana, I’d say for as shitty as I feel emotionally, I am pretty proud of myself.

In my living room is a big picture window that looks out on the back yard. Sitting here a few minutes ago, I saw an astonishing sight. Two hawks fighting or playing or something I don’t know what, nearly crashed into each other in mid-flight right outside my window. I gasped, and as they flew off a feather floated gently to the ground just on the other side of my fence. I sat here, my jaw hanging open, for about 60 seconds before I jumped up, put on my hat and coat and boots and walked around the block to get that feather. 

Hawks have been sacred to me for many years now, showing up in my life in magical ways just like this one more times than I can count. I don’t know for sure what meaning I will take or make from this spectacular moment in the midst of my otherwise sucky day, I assure you there is one. I feel grateful for the magic, for the gift, for nature, for this delightful moment, and so glad that I can simultaneously feel gratitude and sadness. I can feel it all, with Love.