All tagged grieving

Lessons from a Broken Heart

This week, for the first time in a very long time – close to a year, I heard myself laugh again, a full out bellowing laugh that came and went for the better part of an hour. This big throaty, head back, mouth open wide, full-body kind of laugh was, and is, a glorious restorative precious thing. It felt so easy, like finding something that was just hiding in the back of my closet I wasn’t even looking for, a long-lost favorite treasure. I didn’t analyze it as it was happening. I rolled with it fully and with abandon. The next morning, I began to marvel at the ease with which this particular kind of joy returned. Eight months or more joy had been missing, dormant, absent. And just like that, just as spring is exploding all around me, so too am I emerging from a long dark cold miserable season, hand in hand with joy apparently.

Thirty-four years ago today

I take a seat next to her and take her hand. She immediately leans in to hug me. She knows that I know what is really happening for her in that moment even more than she does. This is comforting to this younger me who felt chronically misunderstood. I tell her how beautiful she is. She brushes it off like yeah-yeah. I take a beat and look in her eyes and say it again, “You are so beautiful, more beautiful than you know. I promise.” She takes it in this time, understanding and not brushing it aside.

More on Grief as Love…

And so I grieve. I woke up with the grief all over me this morning. It filtered into my dreams last night and hangs on me still like a heavy wet black cloak of confusion, unanswered questions, sorrow, anger, and despair.