Thirty-four years ago today

Thirty-four years ago today, on March 24, 1990, at the tender age of 23, I got married. A pivotal part of my Self-Love journey is Loving on the younger versions of me. What does that mean, to Love the younger parts of yourself? It means, quite literally, being relational with them as and when they occur to you in real time. So naturally, today I am thinking of sweet, thought-she-knew-everything, feisty, determined, but actually so naive 23-year-old Tracey.

I have a conversation with my younger self using my imagination, one of the most potent and underutilized gifts we all have. In my mind, I picture her and what I remember her doing about this time 24 years ago. I enter the scene in my mind, so there are two of me in the In on the Park hotel room, 57-year-old me, and 23-year-old me. I notice that she sees me, confused at first, and then a spark of recognition washes over her young face. She knows who I am. She knows me as much as I know her.

I take a seat next to her and take her hand. She immediately leans in to hug me. She knows that I know what is really happening for her in that moment even more than she does. This is comforting to this younger me who felt chronically misunderstood. I tell her how beautiful she is. She brushes it off like yeah-yeah. I take a beat and look in her eyes and say it again, “You are so beautiful, more beautiful than you know. I promise.” She takes it in this time, understanding and not brushing it aside.

Now that I have her attention, I impart some serious truth and wisdom on her. Without frightening her, I tell her that in many ways life won’t always be like this, to slow down and savor the fuck out of every single detail of the day, large and small. To take time with each person there that means something to her because many of them aren’t here with me anymore. To drink in the opulence, the food, the drink, the flowers, the views, the people, each and every moment, the Love, especially the Love.

And as if by magic, some of the smaller details of the day come flooding into my memory. Tears welling in my eyes as I write. Weirdly the first thing that came to me is the stupidly expensive body cream I used that day. I remember the jar, the texture, the smell. Grief is like a teleportation time-travel device. When we choose to slow down and lean in fully, it is amazing what comes through. So many people who have crossed over and are no longer with us in the here and now lining up to say hello. I can see them with their big smiles and early 90’s style. I can feel the connection and the Love, and how I miss them, oh how I miss them. Ten or more of the most important people that day are no longer with us, my parents, the groom’s parents, two of my dearest friends, one of the groomsmen, and the groom himself who died in 2020.

Funny, when I felt inspired to write this piece, I thought it would go in an entirely different direction. That I would share with you how I connect with my younger selves to create healing for them and make peace with them. Instead, the moment took me on a magical journey with grief as the vehicle to revisit this very special day 24 years ago in vivid color and taste and smell. As if my younger self heeded the advice I just gave her thus changing the here and now, allowing the memories to flash back now in real time with greater vibrancy.

I thought today was all about me Loving on her and it turned out to be more reciprocal. That’s something new and delightful. I don’t need to tell her anything more right now. She and I will meet again and again and again.

With much Love and tenderness,
Tracey
🩷